Grief after death of a child

By Sue Careless

DR STEPHEN FLEMING is currently professor in the Department of Psychology, Faculty of Health, at York University and the co-author with J. Buckle of Parenting After the Death of a Child: A Practitioner’s Guide (2011). In April 1999 I profiled his work in trauma and grief for The Interim.

His insights still stand today. And after the horrific Humboldt Broncos bus crash in Saskatchewan in which 16 people were killed and 13 seriously injured  –  most of them young adults – it seemed worthwhile to reprint the article for our readers. 

Professor Stephen Fleming conducted a three-year study of more than 200 families who have experienced the death of a child. His work dispelled a number of myths surrounding the grief that follows the death of a child. (See chart below.)

Dr Fleming said that the trauma is so great after the death of a child, the body goes into shock. There is numbness and disbelief. “This didn’t really happen,” parents tell themselves.

Shock occurs, not only after a sudden death but also after an anticipated death following a lengthy illness. As long as we can still touch the loved one, even if she is unconscious in hospital, we satisfy the human feeling of “skin hunger.” After their death, we will long for that time in hospital even if it was horrific, because at least then the person was still touchable, still there.   

Dr Fleming says it is not worth suggesting a support group until the bereaved is experiencing “active grieving,” which may be after a few weeks or five years.

Grief counsellors no longer talk of the stages of grief, but of the four tasks of mourning: accepting the reality of the loss; experiencing the pain of grief; adjusting to the new environment without the deceased; and emotionally relocating the deceased and re-entering the mainstream of life strengthened by the legacy of the deceased. 

Dr Fleming says that over time, as we work through the grief, there will be longer and longer moments of non-grieving, even though the pain will return occasionally, with the intensity of the early aftermath.

What does go on forever is the legacy. What lessons in living and loving has the deceased taught us?

Grief changes us. We question our faith, our beliefs. We’re not the same. But the deceased has also changed us. We are different for having known them. How can we honour their memory?

No matter what our religious faith, Dr Fleming says, we should make the ritual after death meaningful, and take an active part in it. Even for those who have no faith, there is a need to do something symbolic to express the grief.

For friends who wish to comfort: bring food, visit, hang out, be there, listen.

Close friends of the bereaved should pull out their calendars and note the deceased’s birthday, the anniversary of his death and of the funeral and all the social and religious holidays of significance to the family. In this way they can map out a psychological minefield for the bereaved and help them navigate it.

Finally, Dr Fleming advises we remember the song, “I Just Called to Say I Love you.” Through the year, he says, we should pick up the phone and do just that for the bereaved.  TAP

 

Myths and Realities

Myth: A marriage will disintegrate following the death of a child. 

Reality: Fleming’s study indicates that the rate of divorce or separation is not significantly higher among couples who have lost a child. Such a loss does indeed place tremendous strain on a couple, and if the relationship was unstable at the time of the death, it likely won’t survive. But if the relationship is solid, it should survive.

Myth: If the child is older, the grief following the death is somehow easier to bear.   

Reality: A child is a child is a child, whether that child was an infant or an adult.

Myth: If you are an older parent, it is easier to bear the death of your child.

Reality: It isn’t any easier losing a child, whether you are young or old. Our assumptions of the natural order – the parent should die before the child – are broken.

Myth: If you have a child with a long-term illness, you have time to prepare for the death.

Reality: You haven’t and you can’t. 

Myth: Time heals all. You’ll get over it and be your old self again.

Reality: You never get over the death of a child, but the intensity of the grief will subside. You will be a different person, but you have to determine how you will be different and how you will use the time you have.